Potential

     I remember walking into the cafeteria in the fall of 2001. I remember I was late to school, because my mom went to take her driving test in order to get her license. 

I remember she held my hand while we walked into the school together. I remember Ms. Fierro was my 2nd grade teacher. And I remember letting go of my mom's hand and watched her walk away. I fought back tears, because I was now a big girl. I didn't want my classmates to think I was a baby. 

     Well, ten years later things have changed. It's no longer me crying for my mommy; my mommy is now crying for me. 

I start classes at Texas State University in the fall. In fact, I'm on my way to orientation right now. And just an hour into our three and a half hour drive, I've realized so much. 

I've realized that my parents won't be there to drive me around. I will no longer sit and have dinner with my family. I won't wake up early on Saturdays and clean. I won't have my sisters sneak into my closet when I'm asleep. I won't be caught in the middle of an argument between my siblings and I. I won't be there to watch my sister walk through the front doors of the school that I made memories in. I won't be there for no ones birthday. I won't be at my church on Sundays. I won't be able to hug and kiss my mom. I won't be in Dallas making memories with my family. I won't feel the peace I have in my own home. I won't be there to have movie-nights with my sisters. I won't be there to hug and play with my dog. I won't wake up to my dad singing and telling his not-so-funny jokes. I won't sit on the couch on a warm Saturday morning watching the cars on my street pass by. I won't do a lot of things that I've grown to do with my family. All that'll be left of me is a phone call, a video call, and a text message. I've realized that times are changing. It's impossible to stop time. All that I can do now is try to embrace every single moment in my life, because it's all going to fade into the wind. It's all going to turn into a memory, which will then turn into a blurry image buried in the far back side of  my thoughts, and wrapped into a box of what made me who I am today in the deepest part of my heart. 

     I am incredibly proud of my accomplishments and I am satisfied with my share of mistakes. Mistakes that have led me to be the woman I am today. 

I am on my way to bigger and better things. I am on my way to success. I am on my way to make my mom proud to say, "that's my daughter."

Ashley Nicole 

The clock is winding down.

     Senior year has been full of disappointments, good news, annoying people, ignorant people, amazing teachers, and fabulous experiences. I can honestly say that despite all of my frustrations; I actually enjoyed my year. I became close with so many people, and I absolutely hate that. Not because I'm anti-social or anything, but because I'm not going to see them anymore. Senior year is pretty much over and I'm no longer going to have my daily routine. Things are going to completely shift around. 

     My last day of school is next Wednesday, and I'm scared, excited, furious, and content all at the same time. I'm scared, because the place where I went to school for three years is going to fade out of my life. I'm excited, because I'm finally going to be at Texas State in three more months; my dreams are going to unravel little by little, day by day, week by week. I'm furious, because I have no idea how I'm going to spend my summer. And I'm content, because I'm satisfied with my accomplishments. Sure, I've been disappointed by scholarships and internships, but my light is still burning bright. I'm still healthy, alive, and I'm still on my way to life's challenges, trials, disappointments, and accomplishments. 

     As my senior year slowly comes to an end. I want to thank my mom for supporting me in everything that I've done. She's been by my side since day one and I can see how proud she is of me. 

     I made it this far, and I plan to continue moving forward wherever God takes me. I'm like a flower in the midst of the storm. The wind (God) is slowly taking me through the hail, and slowly beginning to place me (the flower) where I belong. 

Until next time, 

Ashley Nicole

Butterfly fly away

Today as I took my senior graduation pictures, I didn't know what to believe anymore.

As I zipped up my teal gown and put on my teal cap, I was just shocked. I was shocked, because it seems like just yesterday I was a little girl, and now here I am stressing out about how I'm going to pay for my college tuition. It seems like just yesterday I was taking naps under my kindergarten desk, and now here I am worried about what I'm going to wear tomorrow. It seems like just yesterday I was leaving middle school and entering into a new journey in life, and now here I am about to start my life.

I cannot seem to wrap my mind around the fact that I am growing up. I know that I wished for this for a LONG time, but now it finally hit me. I'm about to become an independent woman. I'm about to become a high school graduate. I'm about to make my family proud. I'm about to watch my dreams unravel before me.

Just yesterday I was in tears, because I have no idea how I'm going to pay my college tuition, but I know that God is able. I've been working my butt off with scholarships and grants.

 I don't know what I'm going to do. I had thoughts of not going to college, but what is that going to make me?
Nothing. 
I want to be everything and more. I want to work hard for everything that I deserve.

So, as I took my graduation pictures, all of these thoughts were racing through my mind.

I just want to pause my life and enjoy it, because it's all going by so fast.


When did I grow up?

WOW! Today has just been full of Jesus! 

Today was the world premiere of the mini series, The Bible on the History channel, and it was just amazing. I cannot even explain how alive the presence of God was today. I had many friends and family members also watching The Bible and they made it clear that they absolutely LOVED it. The Bible became a trending topic on Twitter and was mentioned many times by many celebrities and The New York Times I am just so happy, because I know that this nation will turn back to her first love. This nation is in desperate need of God. By the looks of everything, we are not going to get anywhere without God. Sure, we can do it on our own, but what will we accomplish? Higher gas prices? An economy that is on the verge of collapsing? WE need God more than ever and I really hope that this nationwide series of The Bible that will air every Sunday in March at 7:00 PM (central time) will let many of us realize that God is able. 

Ashley Nicole

Take up your cross

Today has just been a day full of ups and downs. I'm just happy to be in bed blogging.

I was watching a movie earlier, Country Strong, it was probably the greatest country movies that I've watched. I surprisingly didn't cry at the end. Maybe I'm just too happy to cry... I don't know..

Anyways, when I was done watching the movie I logged onto one of my blogs and began scrolling down my dashboard. I came across a post from one on my followers that said she gets excited for church all week, and then when Saturday night rolls in, she all of a sudden doesn't want to go to church; she wants to just stay in bed all day Sunday. She said that she's realized that everytime this happens to her, it's the enemy trying to keep her from hearing a word that she needs to hear.
 I told her that I know EXACTLY how she feels. This past month, my pastor was doing a series about connecting with people and sharing God's love. His sermon was about "The Lego Principle." He told the congregration that a lego, a small simple toy that is sometimes thrown in the corner of a room is a symbol of the church. A lego is meant to be connected with another lego. One lego connects upward, towards God. And another lego connects to the bottom, towards the people seeking God. I am the lego, I am the one that needs to be connecting upwards towards God so that other legos can connect to me in order for me to share God's love with them.
My Pastor's sermon really spoke to me two or three Sundays ago (I honestly can't remember when was the last Sunday I went to church.) Since this sermon, I've had an excuse every Sunday. Last Sunday my excuse was that I had to finish my homework, yet I didn't even get it done. This weekend I made sure to finish all my work though. This series was one that I really needed to hear, but I didn't get to hear the whole series. WHY? Because the enemy kept me from hearing the Word I needed to hear. I had an excuse for everything. I hate telling myself that I'm weak, but I am. I need to regain my strength.

I've been anticipating church all week. I went to youth group on Wednesday. I almost made an excuse to stay home, because a very small part of me wanted to watch American Idol, but I went to church. It felt so good to be back. My youth pastors were so excited to see me, and I was so excited to see them.
The funny thing is that my youth pastor spoke about being angry towards people, and to be honest I went to church that day with so much anger towards my dad. I eventually had to let the anger go, and I did.

Tonight I decided to stop listening to my country music, and I decided to put on worship music. SO I'm listening to Kim Walker while I'm typing up this blog post.
I've honestly missed church so much. I've missed worship music. I've missed my Bible. I've missed my time with God. I've missed everything.

I am now ready to pick up my cross and continue to be set apart from this world. I'm ready to serve Him. I was a shattered clay jar, but I am being rebuilt by my Potter.

Ashley Nicole

Unspoken thoughts

The start of 2013 I told myself that this was going to be the best year ever... I was wrong.

I know that it's only the 4th week of January, but I'm honestly tired of everything, I really am.
Last night thoughts of ending my full-of-potential life filled every part of me. I've had enough of my father's negativity. He never has anything positive to say about me. He goes around calling me stupid, idiot, dumbass, and yes sometimes even a bitch. He says that I need to "toughen up" but how in the hell am I suppose to toughen up when he speaks down on me. He points me out to be a failure. I can honestly say that his words don't hurt me anymore like they used to. I've realized that he, or his words do not define who I am. I'm strong I am... Or at least I thought I was.

My sister ran away from home on Thursday... I don't feel like going into details about what happened, but I was the one who was blamed for what she did. I WAS!
I never:

smoked weed
did drugs
ran away from home
let my friends peer-pressure me
skipped school
failed a class
talk disrespectfully

I never did any of those things, so how am I the one that is being blamed for what she did? I don't get it. If anything I set the positive in this hell of a house. What my sister did is HER FAULT! Not mine.

I'm honestly tired of this place, my temporary place. I don't want to live anymore, but I know that I have to. I have to prove to myself that I can overcome this.

I made up my mind yesterday to stop attending church. I am only disappointing Him. I'm tired of going to church and making it seem like I'm happy little ole Ashley, when I'M not! My dad mocked me so many times about church. He made fun of the way I prayed,  and the way I worshiped God. He never appreciated that I stayed out of trouble, and turned to God when things got tough. He never appreciated that I almost committed suicide three years ago, but I'm still here. He never appreciated anything about me. Now that I've decided to stay away from church, let's see how he reacts when I raise hell!

I leave to Texas State in the fall, and I honestly cannot wait to leave! I'll finally be away from all of the family drama. I won't be the one blamed for my sisters' actions. I'll finally be away from my dad's negativity.

If there's one thing that I'm still going to believe in, it is prayer. Prayer changed who I was. Prayer brought me close to God. I will never question praying. I do need prayers, lots of 'em.

As I drank my morning cup of coffee, I sat in the middle of my room thinking of every reason why I want to live and not just take my own life. The good always outweighs the bad, so here I still am.

As I took my morning shower, I let my pale and naked body stand there while the hot water made its way down my body. As I looked up I thought of my future. As I looked at my unpolished feet I thought of the places that my feet will go. As I looked at my hands I thought of the lives that will be changed because of my hands. As I washed my body I washed my self physically and emotionally. I washed all of the horrible negative feelings that I was feeling. As I closed my eyes I told myself, "This is only the beginning."

Ashley Nicole

Page 2 of 365

I told him how I feel, and I feel a little better, I feel a little bit of closure.

I'm going to miss him so much!